I have a complicated relationship with sleep. As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster aaand I’ve already derailed things. Insomnia has been in my life on and off since I was a small child. This is extra frustrating, because I love to dream. My dreams are ridiculous most of the time; as are most dreams I suppose, but let’s unpack why my title has Hamlet bringing up jalapeños. One night, I had a dream that I unfortunately don’t remember, but what I do remember was that in that dream I said:
“The battle of good evil was fought with nachos.”
I don’t know what to do with this knowledge except to share it with the world. I assume the battle went like this:
Yay and Abraham said unto Joseph, “You know what would be great with these chips? Olives.”
Lucifer was like, “I have a fuck-ton of olives and zero blue corn tortilla chips.”
“Could you not talk like that? I have 8 kids I’m trying to raise wholesome,” Abraham asked.
“…would’ve been 7 if dad hadn’t called your bluff.”
“What was that?”
“I said I know a guy who has done amazing things with cheese and we should invite him over.”
God looked down, saw Lucifer hanging out with the humans, and was like, “What in the hell is happening down there?! Seraphim, Gabriel, get down there; I think we may have a problem.” At this point, the word had spread and people were showing up to the Battle of Nacho. So the people walking up to the area saw angels landing from the sky, their brains melted, and suddenly St. Peter had more work to do. Seraphim and Gabriel looked up apologetically. God said, “We talked about this, remember. I’m not mad, just disappointed.”
ANYway, there was a battle going on, and Lucifer was winning. The angels had to think quickly and dig deep. In a panic, Gabriel yelled, “Avocado!” No one had ever heard of an avocado, because it’s the Middle East, not Mexico, so it was like if you had a party and some stranger randomly yelled a nonsense word. Gabriel told Seraphim to watch them, walked out, and disappeared to basically go shopping. In a flash, Gabriel returned and asked Seraphim what he missed. “They felt like it was missing something, so Lucifer added fish, and everyone agreed that was a mistake. Then he tried hummus, and that did him no favors. You might have a shot.” Gabriel got to work. He had the avocados along with onion, tomatoes, lime, salt, pepper, cilantro, and jalapeño. You can say the angels were playing dirty by using the ingredients they used, but again, this was the BATTLE of GOOD and EVIL. The stakes were high! Gabriel finished his masterpiece, built a new plate of nachos, topped it with his avocado dish, and presented it proudly like a new father showing off a newborn. Everyone took a bite of this new nacho creation. As soon as it hit their tongues, eyes widened and everyone smiled. “What is the name of this delicious green stuff?” one man exclaimed. It was right at that moment that Seraphim had a bite with a jalapeño seed that stuck to the back of his throat at the same time he tried to talk. So out came a “guaackaa-” *cough* “-mhohhhly,” *cough* and he quickly ran to the well for some water.
Everyone looked confused. Joseph said, “I think he said…guacamole?”
“Huh…okay. Well, this guacamole is the best thing I’ve ever had and it totally makes the nachos!” said Abraham, and Lucifer couldn’t argue, because it was true.
And that’s how the battle of good and evil was fought with nachos…probably.
Truly, a lost passage from the Old Testament.